


roll for initiative

by hitchhikersguidetoloveandmurder



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Dungeons and Dragons, How Do I Tag, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, d&d is way too conducive to shenanigans, dungeon master ennoshita, ennoshita is suffering, ennotana deserves love and therefore is the only major ship, everyone is at least some flavor of gay, fuck you gary gygax god and creator of our accursed pasttime, kind of?, narita kinoshita and noya watch all this go down like a fresh tv drama, take that eternal secondary ship status
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-26 22:29:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17150246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitchhikersguidetoloveandmurder/pseuds/hitchhikersguidetoloveandmurder
Summary: ennoshita is convinced (read: charmed? coerced?) to DM for tanaka's dungeons and dragons campaign. this session, ennoshita decides to mix up the rules a little bit. the expected shenanigans ensue, and ennoshita regrets his life decisions just a little.





	1. you walk into a tavern...

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this idea that my garbage brain shat out at 3 am. it's my first fic i've uploaded to ao3 and i'd appreciate whatever comments (read: probably criticisms) you'd care to dish out. beta'd by the fantastic iciclesthecat. the next chapters will probably come out decently quickly after this (i was honestly expecting this to pretty much be like a one chapter thing, but here we are). btw, i'm computer illiterate pretty much and i can't fucking figure out how to italicize stuff on here. so, all thoughts not said out loud that are from a character's point of view are [written like this to avoid confusion].

[Rain this time, huh?] Ennoshita thought, closing his living room curtains. [Of course it's raining, why would a week go by without something happening to make those idiots late? The game is going to run into the AM if they don’t get here soon].

\---

About two months ago, Tanaka and Noya had cornered Ennoshita after practice and asked if he had ever heard of a game called Dungeons and Dragons.

“Why?” he asked suspiciously as he changed his shirt. Of course he knew what Dungeons and Dragons was. He’d never played before, but he didn’t live under a rock. The real question was why they were asking him about it.

“Because, dude! It seems super fun and we really want to play but-” Noya started off with his usual excitement, before he was interrupted by Tanaka’s own enthusiasm.

“We don’t have a Dungeon Master!” Tanaka loudly finished. Ennoshita narrowed his eyes at the pair who were practically vibrating with excitement at the prospect of possibly getting a DM for their campaign. 

Well, though he may have known what D&D was, he had absolutely no clue how to DM. Sure, he knew that it required a lot of planning and that it was the DM’s job to basically corral the players like five year olds toward some semblance of a story line, but other than that the specifics of it remained a mystery to him. It probably wasn’t the best idea to just jump into DM-ing without having ever even played the game. 

Similarly, it also probably wasn’t the best idea for him to be in the same campaign with Tanaka, the guy who he’d had a crazy, inexplicable crush on since sometime in his first year at Karasuno. Sure, he already spent most of his time around Tanaka, but this was a different situation entirely. Because here’s the thing: Ennoshita found all of Tanaka’s idiotic personality quirks and tendency to get himself into trouble incredibly, infuriatingly endearing, and nothing brings out traits like those like Dungeons and Dragons. [Damn you, Gary Gygax, and your game of unavoidable fuckery…] Honestly, he wasn’t quite sure his stressed little heart could take it.

Clearly for his own self-preservation, he’d have to do the one thing that nearly every high schooler is proficient in: attempting to avoid the problem by passing it off to someone else. And his target was right in front of him, shoving his uniform into his bag. [Good luck, Narita. Your sacrifice shall be remembered for years to come].

“Why don’t you ask Narita to be your DM? He’s played in quite a few campaigns before,” Ennoshita said, nodding to the other boy across the club room.

The middle blocker in question looked up from his bag toward the other three. He looked Ennoshita dead in the eyes and replied, “Sorry, but they already talked to me about the campaign and I agreed to be one of the players,” With a tiny smirk as if to say, I see what you’re trying to do here, and it’s not happening, buddy.

Before Ennoshita could try for another target, Kinoshita popped his head around Narita and said, “I’m out too by the way. Since the sessions would be around when me and Narita would be hanging out together anyways, he convinced me to join as a player too!” with a mischievous smile of his own.

[Oof, ouch. I see how it is, Fate, you sick bastard…]

“Why do you want me to DM for you anyway? Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve never actually played before,” Ennoshita sighed, staring down at his shoes and trying to make one last attempt to escape the fate that this bitch called life had apparently set for him.

“Well, that’s where your mad skills come in, my buddy, my dude,” Tanaka slid over to Ennoshita and (much to the latter’s dismay) put his arm around his shoulders, “with your study skills, you’ll probably be able to figure out all the rules and stuff in no time! You wanna be a director, right? Just think of writing the world like the screenplay for a movie or something and, as the DM, you’re kinda like the director for the game, and the players are your actors! Plus… I… uh… think you’d be r-really good at it and-and… I think it would be really fun to play the game with you!” He slightly stuttered out the end and smiled, and Ennoshita thinks he must be imagining things because, Is that a little blush?  
He could physically feel his resolve crumble into dust. Never in his entire existence on this earth did he think that he’d be taken down in a battle of will this easily. [Wow, I’m really in deep, huh?]

“Hmmmmm… well, I guess I could give it a shot. It’s not like I have anything else I have to do, and I guess it would be practice for my future corralling actors,” Ennoshita deadpanned. [Must… Keep… Cool and unaffected… Exterior!!!]

He then immediately remembered Tanaka’s arm around his shoulders, fought down his own blush, and slipped out of his grasp, heading for the door. As he opened the door, he shouted over his shoulder, “Be at my house at seven on Saturday night. If you’re late, I swear to god, you’ll wish you’d never even heard of D&D!”

Leaving with a chorus of excited screeching by the two troublesomes in his wake, he caught a look from Kinoshita and Narita that was somewhat reminiscent of someone settling down with popcorn to watch an exciting drama. Of course they knew about his little crush; they were his closest friends, after all. However, though they didn’t look it, they were both huge sadists and loved to watch him squirm about it. In a friendly way, of course.

[Fuck ‘em. So what if I only agreed to do it because of that dumbass, stupid, adorable thing he does by existing. I’ve got bigger things to worry about than them teasing me nonstop for the foreseeable future about how big of a pushover I am for him. Like learning how D&D even works and writing a campaign setting by Saturday… and what shit Tanaka’s going to pull to make my life harder than it already is…]

\---

It really was pretty much every week that those two were late. No matter how many times they got roasted by Kinoshita and Narita (who were never late for their sessions), they never changed. One week they were late because Saeko agreed to drive them over and subsequently got lost, nearly hit five semi-trucks, and was chased by no less than two police cars before they eventually arrived more or less safely at Ennoshita’s house. Another time, Noya accidentally dropped his D20 in a rice cooker and had to wait like 30 minutes to get it out because his mom had already pressed start. There was a new excuse every week and honestly, sometimes hearing about the shit they got into was worth the delay in game time.

[Doesn’t mean it’s not annoying as hell, though…] Ennoshita thought as he walked back over to the table where Kinoshita and Narita were already sitting with their character sheets and dice out. Just as he began to double check his campaign notes and audio files for the night, lightning flashed outside and the front door was practically kicked down as two robed figures strutted in. 

“That whomst follows the lightning, thunder stormwinds has arrived!” The taller figure called, pulling off his shirt (yet somehow leaving his robe in place) and waving it around like a flag. Meanwhile, the shorter one yelled “rolling thunder” and rolled toward the table, jumping up and striking a dramatic pose, hood falling down to reveal, obviously, Noya.


	2. as you enter the dungeon...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the game starts with Ennoshita's new rules in place. shenanigans ensues, and i'm sure you can guess where this is going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyooo! Ok, so some notes on this chapter: i still can't figure out italics, so [thoughts are still like this]. also, the weird breaks in the story are basically just to show that time has passed and new stuff is happening. it's basically like a sampler of the shit they got into (think like a montage). once again, this chapter was beta-d by the fantastic iciclesthecat. it's looking like this fic is going to be around 3 or 4 chapters? we'll see on that... also, the comments on my last chapter were actually really nice, so that right there is a shock for me! keep up the good reading, soldiers! the next chapter will be done as soon as i can figure out how i want the events to work together.

[Why?]

[No, not why…] 

[Reason means nothing to beings such as these.]

[Only actions can reach them in this state.]

So, of course, the only reasonable course of action was for Ennoshita to dual wield hurl two pre-packaged melon breads directly at their faces, hitting both of them with a comically loud slap.

“You’re both idiots! And Tanaka! Put your shirt back on!” the ever-suffering Ennoshita shouted at them from his spot at the end of the table. [How did he take his shirt off without moving the robe? Just because he sleeps through physics doesn’t mean he can just ignore its laws, right?!]

“Ryuuuuu!! Fantastic heraldry, as always!!” Noya praised Tanaka, bowing dramatically.

[Did it have Velcro or snaps or something? Did this dramatic ass bitch really quick rig a shirt for this? No wait, wouldn’t I have heard them coming undone? Then again, they were pretty loud on the way in, so maybe not?]

“’Twas my pleasure, my liege,” Tanaka grinned, kneeling as if he was being knighted.

[Wait now that I’m thinking about it, he looks really good without his shirt on. I mean, it’s not new or anything, he always has his shirt off… but this time he’s IN MY HOUSE with his shirt off! Totally different!]

“Hey, can you guys stop being… distracting,” Narita spoke up from his seat at the table, giving Ennoshita a look as if he knew exactly what he was thinking about, “and get over here so we can start already? Some of us have shit we have to do tomorrow.”

Deflating only slightly, Noya and Tanaka slunk over to their respective spots at the table, taking out their dice and character sheets and laying them out in front of them. Thankfully, Tanaka started putting his shirt back on.

*Snap… snap… snap…*

[That dramatic fuck, I knew it. He really went and quick rigged that shirt.]

Ennoshita pulled his attention back to the task at hand, explaining the night’s session. Taking a deep breath, he started, “Okay, so like I explained after practice, today we’re doing things a little bit differently. Today is going to be a one-shot, so don’t hold anything back on your characters, since you’ll probably never be using them again. You all made your characters for tonight right?”

He glanced around the table, receiving nods from everyone. “But the main difference tonight…” he paused for dramatic effect, “… is that I will allow you to attempt something in real life to show that your character can do it in game instead of rolling for it. Kind of like an ‘if I can do it, so can my character’ thing. You can still roll if you want to, but if you do your action successfully in real life I’ll automatically give you a nat 20 in game. Obviously if you epicly fail at it, I’ll automatically consider it a nat 1. Any questions?”

Silence for a second, and then, “Hell yeah! This is going to be epic!” Tanaka cheered, attempting to jump up and rip his shirt back off before being restrained by Kinoshita.

[Well, here we go…]

\-------------

“Alright, so all of you are inside a somewhat run down tavern. The kind of place that you’d expect to regularly hear about brawls and stabbings taking place. You meet up with each other at a back table in the bar, quickly introducing yourselves,” Ennoshita began exposition, gesturing at Narita to begin the character introductions.

“Ok, so my character is Nox. He’s a true neutral half elf rogue,” Narita said, looking to Kinoshita to continue.

“Mine is Ascendrus Argent, a human cleric. Oh, yeah and he’s neutral good,” Kinoshita introduced.

Noya jumped onto his chair, posing with his arms outstreached to the ceiling as if he were casting a spell, “My name is Thunder Stormwinds! I am a tiefling sorcerer of weather and I cannot be contained to any alignment!”

“I am a dragonborn bard-barian! Those of my clan learn both weapons to fight and music to heal! I am known simply as the wildfire and chaos is in my blood!” Tanaka proudly, yet no less excitedly than Noya, monologued from his end of the table.

“Alright. You are all here to meet with a possible employer about a job in a nearby dungeon. You see your contact across the bar. What do you do?” Ennoshita continued.

“I want to throw a knife across the room directly in front of his face to catch his attention and establish dominance,” Narita jumped in.

“Ok? Uhhh, with new rules, do you want to roll for it or just do it?” Ennoshita asked.

“Duh, it’ll be more fun if I actually try to do it!” Narita replied.

They spent the next ten minutes or so setting up a replica of the scene with a piece of cardboard on the wall to prevent dents in the paint and a pillow with a sticky note reading “boss man” stuck to it off to the side next to it. 

Narita picked up a knife and stepped back 20 feet, “here goes nothing!”, throwing it hard across the room and...

The knife embedded itself deep into the pillow. Shocked silence followed.

“Oooohhh…. Ouch, you just killed your contact! What do you do now?” Ennoshita broke the silence. 

“Hmm… unfortunate, but I guess I can just loot the body for any papers or maps with the information we need to get to the dungeon,” Narita shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess you can do that. Oh, and also I’m definitely going to have you change your alignment to something chaotic,” Ennoshita ruled before moving on with exposition.

\------

“So first in the order in the fight against the party of goblins you’ve encountered is Noya. What do you do?” Ennoshita asked after having them all roll initiative.

“I’m going to climb a tree and cast down fireball from above!” Noya said, jumping up from the table to find the things he’d need to perform the action in real life.

The group went outside to the backyard, found a suitable tree, and set up a stool fifteen feet away from it.

“Each turn in combat only lasts like six seconds, so keep that in mind!” Ennoshita reminded Noya as he walked over with a volleyball in each hand. Noya nodded from their makeshift starting line. Ennoshita pulled up a timer on his phone, “Alright, ready, set… go!”

As quick as he was in every volleyball match, he scampered up the tree. He hung upside down from one of the top branches by his legs and threw both volleyballs at the stool, both hitting it with enough force to knock it over. All in under six seconds.

“One goblin down! Next in the order is Kinoshita,” Ennoshita announced, mentally giving himself a pat on the back about how well his new rules were going.

\------

“I need healing! Kinoshita, save a poor sinner’s soul, would ya?” Tanaka pleaded from his “knocked out” position on the floor.

“Ah, okay! But wait… you’re a little too far away. My healing is a touch spell. Oh, wait! I have an idea,” Kinoshita exclaimed as he pushed away from the table and rifled through some drawers in the kitchen. He came back with a band-aid and a long pair of salad tongs.

“Okay, Tanaka. Stay where you are. I’m going to put this band-aid on you from on top the table with these tongs,” Kinoshita said as he climbed onto the table, unwrapping the band-aid and sticking it between the tongs.

“My life is in your hands, my trusted friend,” Tanaka praised, his trust then immediately betrayed by Kinoshita accidentally poking him in the eye with the band-aid.

Before Ennoshita could interject with a ruling that the healing didn’t work out, Noya interrupted with, “Wait, if we have a holy symbol can we get a bonus on the healing check?”

“I guess so,” Ennoshita reasoned, “what do you have in mind?”

Noya immediately started scrolling through his phone until he found the picture that he was looking for. “I give you… Jesus!”

The picture that he pulled up was Asahi from what appeared to be a Christmas party. He had a blanket draped off of almost like a shawl, with his hair down and his headband on like a crown. He was t-posing directly in front of someone’s cross shaped Christmas lights display. 

“… Acceptable use of a holy symbol. Tanaka gains five HP,” Ennoshita ruled.

\------

“As you walk into the final room of the dungeon, you see a wizard clad in black and surrounded by a dark mist,” Ennoshita narrated. He was actually kind of surprised at how well his new rules were working out. Nobody had tried anything too ridiculous yet, and the actions just made everything even more interesting. He just had to hope his luck with these (specifically one) players wouldn’t run out in the next hour or so. “What do you do?”

After a moment of quiet at the table as the players thought of what to do next, Tanaka grinned mischievously. [Aaaaannndddd I think my luck has probably run out…]

“Can I try to seduce the Boss,” Tanaka announced.

Narita nearly choked on his drink, “You’re gonna try to what?!”

Tanaka looked Ennoshita directly in the eyes with a challenge and a smirk, “Can. I. Seduce. The. Boss.”

[Fuck it, I’m not backing down.]

So, Ennoshita said something that would soon have him regretting all of his life choices.

“I don’t know. Can you seduce me?”


End file.
